When I arrived in Allentown last night just before Midnight there was no fanfare announcing my return. I was a tired man having just driven nearly 16 straight hours and I quietly left the car, grabbed my bag, went into my house and sat down with my family in tow. Today, I am left feeling accomplished but mostly, I feel tired.
One of the worst aspects of being sick like me is the feeling left when the latest episode passes. For all the wonderful support you have, the reality is that it takes a significant amount of strength on your own part to deal with the hand you have been dealt. The episodic interludes are periods of exhaustion, uneasiness and frustration. I honestly think that these times are as bad, if not worse than the peaks of a severe panic attack.
These are the days we become hollow. It is at these low moments when the words, love and support of friends and family are most important. You have to be able to do it alone, but there is no way you can do it alone unless you know that somewhere, once you have gotten up – someone is going to help you take the next step. Today is about the next step.
For me, I know now that I can in fact push my limitations. I know that I can survive a mean test of will. I don’t know when the next bad day, week, month or year is going to come down on me. I don’t know how dark it will get the next time day passes. I do know and have advertised of late, that I have the support to help me walk after I get up, if I fall down again. I have taken the correct steps of medication and therapy and have put myself into the strongest place I have been in years emotionally.
I have shared all this with you on the outside chance that just one person out there is stuck, doesn’t know how to get up, or can’t take the first step after rising. I have been where you are friend and I will be there again. But know, and my good friend Michelle will always be owed my gratitude for this, know – that you can do this and we’re here the entire way to help.
Home from Nashville. I survived. I am going to Yosemite. I am going to the Everglades. (Heather, it’s on)
And, I will always need your help folks! That’s my last bit of advice for now. Accept the fact that you need help and that in itself is usually that first step you must take alone before you can walk again. Thank you Jacy, Jaime, Amanda, Denueve, Heather, Michelle, Jess, my family. Thank you readers.
Again – my email is andrewkleiner@gmail.com . If ever you need help – email me.
Stories and pictures and parks and Parthenons from Nashville starting tomorrow.
#1 by LVCI on November 29, 2010 - 3:26 pm
All this reminds of the show “MONK”. For me, that shows amplifies what your saying.
#2 by Jacy on November 29, 2010 - 7:29 pm
Wow, a personal shout out! You just made my day! While my situation is so different than yours, I can relate to this post in so many ways. If I had to throw out a guess, I’d estimate I’ve been called “the strongest person I know” no less than 500 times. I still insist I’m as average and normal as everyone else. I follow my instinct and do what feels right, just like I’ve always done. The reason I was able to get back up from the absolute lowest I’ve ever been is because I got literally thousands of cards and visits in the hospital. Even still today, the emails and phone calls of support are what makes me not even think twice about talking to 1400 people at a time.
So glad to hear you’re in such a good place, and hopefully you’ll just keep going up.
#3 by No Name Please on December 6, 2010 - 3:05 pm
Thank you for your inspirational message, your courage and your honesty. I just learned of NAMI, (www.nami.org) which provides help and support to those people and their families who are dealing with mental health issues. I don’t know if panic attacks falls under that umbrella, but I was glad to learn of their existence (and that there is a local LV chapter -www.namipalehighvalley.org).